Assertiveness is about expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly, honestly, and respectfully. It’s a balance between passivity and aggression. It is important to understand and believe that your thoughts and feelings are valuable and deserve to be heard. This is the foundation of assertiveness.

 

Proper Preparation and Planning Prevents Poor Performance

  • Know Your Points: Before engaging in a potentially heated conversation, know what you want to say. Prepare your key points and anticipate counterarguments.
  • Practice: Role-play scenarios with a trusted friend or in front of a mirror to build confidence.

 

During the Conversation

  1. Body Language
    • Posture: Stand or sit up straight. Good posture exudes confidence.
    • Eye Contact: Maintain gentle eye contact. This shows that you are engaged and confident.
    • Gestures: Use open hand gestures. Avoid crossing your arms, which can appear defensive.
  2. Tone of Voice
    • Calm and Steady: Keep your voice calm and steady. Avoid raising your voice, which can escalate the situation.
    • Volume: Speak at a moderate volume. Too quiet can seem unsure, too loud can seem aggressive.
  3. Verbal Skills
    • Use “I” Statements: Frame your points using “I feel,” “I think,” or “I need.” This reduces blame and focuses on your perspective. For example, “I feel concerned when…” instead of “You always…”
    • Stay on Topic: Keep the conversation focused on the issue at hand. Avoid bringing up unrelated past grievances.
    • Be Clear and Direct: State your needs and opinions clearly and directly without being apologetic. For example, “I need some time to think about this,” or “I believe that we should consider another approach.”

 

Handling Heat

  • Pause and Breathe: If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause. Take a deep breath to gather your thoughts.
  • Acknowledge Emotions: If the conversation becomes too heated, acknowledge the emotions in the room. For example, “I can see this is a very passionate topic for us both. Let’s take a moment to calm down.”
  • Stay Respectful: Even when others are not. Use a respectful tone and language. This can help de-escalate the situation and keep the conversation productive.
  • Set Boundaries: If the conversation becomes too aggressive or disrespectful, assertively set boundaries. For example, “I’m willing to discuss this, but we need to keep it respectful,” or “Let’s take a break and revisit this later.”

 

After the Conversation

  • Reflect: After the conversation, reflect on what went well and what could be improved. This self-analysis helps build your assertiveness skills.
  • Seek Feedback: If possible, get feedback from a trusted friend or mentor on how you handled the conversation.

 

Ongoing Development

  • Build Self-Esteem: Engage in activities that build your self-esteem and confidence. This can be through hobbies, exercise, or professional accomplishments.
  • Practice Regularly: Like any skill, assertiveness gets better with practice. Start with low-stakes situations and gradually take on more challenging conversations.

 

By incorporating these strategies, anybody can develop a strong sense of assertiveness, enabling them to handle conversations confidently and effectively, even when they become heated.